Wednesday, September 12, 2012

So much further by now...?

If you would have asked me ten years ago where I would be by the time I turned thirty, the answer would be no where near where I am. While I have done some things I am proud of (my children for one!) there are other things I haven't done that most have before they even turn eighteen. This post is a bit of a bucket list for the next year (hopefully less,possibly more). I think I would feel so much better about myself and my life if I accomplished even half of these, or just put a dent into it!

My list-

1. Get my licence (and car). I have been working on this for years. Literally. It's embarrassing. I have had my permit since I was 18. The last time I took my test, about a month ago, I took it at the same time as a 16 year old. He passed. I didn't. I'm almost thirty! I should at least know how to drive and get myself places. Especially with two children. It's insane to take the bus and depend on other people for rides everywhere. Every time I have to ask I feel like I am a huge inconvenience, and I don't want to feel that any more! This is one of my most important goals for the immediate future.

2. Lose weight. Not just a few pounds from the last holiday. A serious whole person. I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I used to be a size zero. Although I was unhealthy, it makes me feel like I have let myself go so much. Now I can't even shop without getting depressed. Beyond that I have health concerns. I want to be around for awhile for my kids. I think it would also help my mental health and self esteem. I realize this weight isn't going to melt off, but I want to make a substantial dip into what I need to lose. I am tired of feeling insecure and fat all the time! My total goal is to lose 140 lbs, so far I'm down twenty!

3.Scholastics. Having been in college for about nine months now, I am getting into the routine of school again. My problem seems to be motivation. I can never seem to find enough to do more than just "ok". That being said I have gotten mostly A's and B's. Which I am incredibly proud of. I never did that well in high school! Harder classes are to come though, so I need to really buckle down. (Biology, I hate you!!)

4. Career. Although the big goal is on hold, I still have near future ones. I am studying to get my Medical Office Coding certificate. While this isn't exactly what I had in mind when starting college, it's in the general field, and a lot of the classes I need for that can be applied to my larger goal- Nursing! I plan to have my RN and BSN. This is something I have wanted to do for a long time and got waylaid by marriage and children. While I love my kids, I feel like a lot of my life was spent doing what others thought I should, and now I want to do something for me. I have wanted this for a long long time!

5. Be more secure in myself. I am probably the most insecure person I know. I always second guess myself, and always blame myself harshly for anything that goes wrong. It will be hard, but I want to be able to trust myself and my decisions without having a heart attack everytime I make one! I also need to learn to chill out and that things aren't always my fault, or something that I control. I need to learn to relinquish control to fate every now and again! Stop being a self-persecuting perfectionist!

All in all I want to come out from this a better, stronger, healthier more independent me. While this is scary in one sense, it is something I crave so badly! I want to be able to go without asking for help, be sure of myself, and proud of the life I have created for me and my children.